False realities from childhood can derail every blessing God sets in our path.
Be sure to check out part 1 of this series. This is part 2 in the series Finding Our Father in Heaven, intended to examine some of the fruits of fatherlessness and inspire the worthwhile pursuit of relationship with our heavenly Father. We'll ask ourselves: what if the pain brought on by a father figure in our life is standing in the way of knowing God as Father? You may know God many ways, such as Lord, Savior, Shepherd, etc. But what if soul-deep wounds left numb, scarred holes? Would you know there is a hole in your heart if you can't perceive it as empty? This is the question of questions. Fatherlessness is cruel because we may not know what we are missing and have become numb to its absence. We don't know what we don't know.
God gave children fathers so they would have an example of what He is like as a Father.
Fatherlessness denies us that example and substitutes it with a void, while denying a switch ever happened.
What Defines a "Good Dad?"
When someone says, “I had a great dad growing up”, what images are brought to mind? (I would follow up with asking if your real dad experience matched it) As we progress through this series, we are going to need a good, working definition of a “good dad” in order to go forward, so let’s sum it up as "being protective, a provider, steadfast, loving, compassionate, and available."
Unfortunately, a father that lacks several of the above traits may not be described by his adult children in a positive light. If that’s you, it may have left needs unmet. And that can be a big problem.
A Quick Note On Attachment
A strong father figure creates many secure attachment opportunities for those he cares for. Children with a solid dad or dad figure grow up knowing what it is like to feel secure, feel loved, experience compassion, and be able to depend on others. If you are unfamiliar with attachment theory and how it specifically relates to fatherhood, check out this out.
Someone lacking a positive father figure may be presented with many opportunities to develop insecure attachment styles that lead to poor relationships later in life. They may struggle with control, self-regulation, confidence, risk taking, promiscuity, overcompensation and so on. Fatherlessness comes in many forms, but there are similar consequences: emotional and physical needs of children go unmet. When children have unmet needs, they are forced to meet them the best they can using resources available to them. Often, these strategies are harmful and destructive because they are formed out of falsehoods about themselves and others.
The Younger You
Think back to the child version of you. Are they perpetually frustrated? What about the twenty-year-old you? Are they looking in the wrong places to get their needs met? Are they acting in self-destructive ways, not knowing why things keep going wrong in relationships? Do you still struggle like that?
This video offers eye opening insight into how the brain picks up the past and weaves it into our present. It also gives us something to say to the inner child dealing with hurt from a dad.
These false realities take years to form but create the foundation for interacting with the world. From the perspective of fatherlessness, they may sound like men are useless. I am unloveable. People can’t be trusted. No one will protect me, so I need to protect myself. Others are not trustworthy. And while at first glance one might scoff at such blatant fallacies, they are rooted so far in the past that time and actions have waxed a hard shell over the initial wounds, layering them much like an onion.
Perspectives Create Realities
Because we think and act utilizing these perspectives, they wield incredible power over us and those around us. Our very realities are formed from our perspectives.
When we operate through false realities created in the past, we treat others as if those realities are actually happening to us now. This creates relational friction which can make the false perception a very real reality.
When this happens, the false belief is reinforced.
The stronghold gets firmer.
The generational curse perpetuated.
For example, maybe as a result of our own bad dad experiences, we may believe men in general are incurably incompetent. Therefore, we don’t expect anything noteworthy from them, including our husbands. We would hold the standards bar low because childhood experience taught us that men are unreliable. As a result, we may deny our husbands time with the kids simply because we operate through the lens of “men are incompetent”. Another way of looking at it is we can have the “best catch” when it comes to a husband’s paternal abilities, but as a result of our own old wounds we end up sabotaging his role as dad because we operate out of a false reality. Over time, our false belief is confirmed when he needs to change a diaper-but he doesn't know how, leaving us feeling bitter and resentful. If this becomes the norm in our home, our children grow up with the same dad figure we grew up having. Girls may develop the same low expectations of men while boys learn they have no empowerment or place in child rearing. Generational cycle continued.
Or perhaps your bad dad experience left you feeling unloveable. If this is the reality you see the world through, you won’t expect to be treated lovely. You may even come to accept various forms of abuse because you didn’t learn to expect better. It is hard to see your worth as an adult if you’ve been treated to ignore your worth as a child. If that is what you are modeling for your children, guess what they will expect for themselves as a friend or as a spouse?
Maybe you never experienced the security offered by a good dad. You may feel like there is no one looking out for you so you need to look out for yourself. We see all our relationships through the lens of distrust and hold everyone at arm’s length. What might that do for teaching relational intimacy to our children?
Maybe the issue is provision. We came to believe that “no one will provide for me, so I have to provide for myself.” As a result, we believe we can’t ask for help and independence becomes the mantra. When we teach work ethic to our children, how might that play out over the long term? Will they know how to ask for help? Will they have an overcompensating work ethic?
Maybe your dad or another man in your life was sexually abusive. You perceive all men through the lens of abuse and now the thought of intimacy with a man is repulsive.
Maybe as a child you were denied, through death or through negligence, relational intimacy with your dad, even though you longed for it. As an adult, the thought of being pursued by a man is thrilling and gives you a sense of being wanted. That is, until the magic wears off and you position yourself to be pursued by a man other than your spouse.
Identifying Problems
As we progress through this series, my prayer is that you would be encouraged to dig into your past, your current “normal,” and ask God if it is His best for you. Chances are, He wants more for your future than what your past has to offer. It's a good, God-thing to not be defined or limited by our past.
God’s heart breaks when He sees fathers mishandling their children and not stewarding what He placed in their responsibility. But despite all of man’s brokenness, God can bring beauty from ashes. Take some time to sit with God and let Him speak to you directly soon after you read this. His wisdom and insight will follow. If you are looking for an example of what a godly household and godly parents look like, here is a resource recommendation.
Lord, help me to see problems in my life that are the result of lies I believe.
Help me to give name to the lies so I can recognize them when I am reacting to them.
Show me what I am believing about myself and others as a result of those lies.
Show me the genesis of those lies and false realities.
Thank You Lord for loving me, even in my brokenness. I trust Your gentle hand in my life.
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